Lessons from a first time music mom

There is a piano sitting in our living room. It was mine when I was a child. Some of the time I took piano lessons I liked it, some of it I did not. Towards the end I begged my mom to let me quit. I would “forget” my book when I went to lessons. And I banged on the piano until the 30-minute timer buzzed, signaling the end of my practice time.

I loved playing songs like Chariots of Fire, and the theme songs to the Facts of Life and Cheers. My mom did her best to find a teacher who allowed me to skip the classics and play the fun stuff I preferred. I’m sure, hands down, I was a difficult student.

Now lets fast-forward to my own living room today. There is a five-year-old playing the violin and a first grader playing the piano, MY piano. The same one I banged on, while listening to the timer go tick, tick, tick.

I really do want my children to learn an instrument. Taking music lessons, including the instruments they chose, was all up to them – completely their idea.

But I’m here to tell you, it is not easy being a music mom.

Last week we had a piano recital, a school musical, two group violin practices, one violin lesson and a violin recital. This is all coming from a mom who dreams of homeschooling where we do nothing but stay home, bake bread, do art and run through the woods. All in a simple style, with no schedules to follow or calendars to check.

I’m not the mom who sets up sticker charts, or gives allowance or doles out chores. I believe my girls will do what is right because it’s right, make their beds because it’s what we do (sometimes) and want to learn because it’s interesting.

But I’m here to tell you, getting a five-year-old to practice her violin is not easy. For weeks we’ve struggled getting her to practice just three times a week, for 10 minutes each. She has a chart from her teacher to practice five times a week, and get a sticker. When you get 15 stickers you get a prize.

My middle girl has been taking violin lessons since September. She had one week when she got a sticker on her practice sheet. Half the time, I must confess, I didn’t even know where the sheet was.

I understand this whole charts and sticker routine is normal for a lot of families. And that it works for them. I’m just not that gal. I make to do lists and loose my lists.

My oldest daughter on the other hand, practices her piano without being asked. One week she didn’t practice enough and was given a chart by her teacher to keep track of the days and times she practiced.

She loved it! Not because she got a sticker or a prize. She just likes being organized, filling out charts and checking things off a list.

I believe this is partly the product of Montessori education, and the system of having individual work plans in which the child is responsible for finishing by the end of the week. Partly it’s her personality. She likes the white kitchen timer that goes tick, tick, tick.

My five-year-old does not follow this orderly learning pattern. She is more like me.

She is on the opposite end of the spectrum when it comes to how a child thrives in Montessori education. She does her own thing when she wants to do it. And if I tell her otherwise it feels like I’m forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to do. She will do it on her own time. And she will do it well, when she is ready.

I wondered if the girl would ever pick up a pencil and learn how to write her name, or want to make a card for a friend. Then a couple weeks ago she wanted to sign up for open mic night at the school picnic, to play her violin.

She brought home the sign up form and shocked me when she sat at the table and filled out the WHOLE thing by herself (with some spelling help). She answered what instrument she was going to play, what song, if she needed a microphone, how long her performance would be and if anyone would be performing with her.

I knew playing the violin was important to her. And this just proved it. She stands on the sidewalk playing her violin waiting for people to stop and listen to her. She hates to practice but she loves the part where she bows and people clap for her.

I struggled with this. To get the feeling of being rewarded she needs to practice, and get better, not just have people clap for her because she is cute. On the other hand, I’m not the mom to put the sticker sheet on the fridge and ask her to practice over and over again. When inevitably, whining and resistance will follow. I want it to be fun for her.

She learns best by observing others. She goes by her own clock.

I started wondering if taking violin lessons was really working for us. She started asking to play the piano, like her sister.

And since I’m not the mom to push the practice schedules, maybe it would be best if she did the same instrument as her sister, with her leading as the example. However, doing something different like the violin really does suit her spunky personality. And I know in her heart she really does love it.

Then I started asking other mom friends and musicians for their take on it.

What I leaned, is that when a parent wants their young child to learn an instrument (especially one that is as difficult as the violin) there is an equal level of commitment on their part.

A mom neighbor and friend of mine, who is a trained opera singer, a homeschooler and married to a university cello professor, said this:

“I don’t know one musician who says they didn’t have parents who made them practice when they didn’t want to. But they are glad they did because look where they are today.”

Her children, including her two-year-old (yes two!), are all sting players. And her son plays the cello in the junior orchestra. The two girls play the violin.

“They don’t have a choice. It’s just part of their home education,” she continued.

Mostly, if my children want to do something, I support them and help them. But I believe it is their thing and I let them lead the way. It’s the way we parent. But the more parents, musicians and teachers I talked to, I realized if we are going to do this violin thing with my daughter we were going to have to step up our game.

I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t think she really loved it.

Then again, she is ONLY FIVE. And is all this really worth it? Just for her to play Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star?

I agreed to let her switch to piano lessons as the days of her spring violin recital neared and I could barely get her to practice at all.

I was worried about the performance. That she would embarrass herself (or me) just to get the reward of entertaining people.

It also made me sad to think about her quitting something she has already put a lot of work into. Especially when I know it really does mean something to her. It’s HER thing. She’s the middle child and the violin is unique to just HER.

Leading up to the recital she had it in her mind she was done with violin after that. She didn’t even want to go to the recital.

“Going to the recital is going to ruin my whole fun day,” she said Sunday afternoon. “It’s too much for a weekend. ”

I told her we started this and we needed to follow through on it.

Once she came inside and put on her new recital dress, her mood shifted to excitement.

When we got to the church where the recital was being held, she went into another room with the violin players to practice their group songs. She ran back to my seat beaming that she did it perfectly.

“I stayed with the group the whole time!” she said proudly.

“That’s great,” I said. “If you have fun doing your recital will you keep playing the violin for me? Because it would make me sad to never hear you play again.”

Her response was, “Let me wait and tell you afterwards. When it’s all over.”

I returned to the question at dinner. And she excitedly, without a doubt, answered yes to continuing on with her violin lessons.

All my worrying if this commitment of playing the violin was right for her – and me – was all in MY head.

She loves to perform. When it’s time for her step in front of a crowd something inside her lights up and she does a great job. The girl muddling through a song practicing at home (and sounding awful I might add) disappears. She becomes a confident, violin player, for a five-year-old that is. 

I know she loves it. And when I have to ask her to practice, I’ll remember the pride she has after she performs. I may not do stickers and charts. But I think the reward she felt within herself Sunday was far better than whatever store bought treat comes at the end of 15 stickers.

The energy of the performance was exactly HER thing. Performing with friends is HER thing. The cookies afterwards and a proud, energetic teacher completed the picture. She has a great teacher!

I’m not a pushy parent. But I know the expert music mom I talked to is right, all young musicians need a little help along the way – a little pushing and a lot of encouragement.

So we’re going to stick with this violin thing.  I know we are both going to learn a lot along the way.