It is so true, that our experiences make us who we are. My passion for empowering birth experiences and advocacy, which I have written about in more than one post, helped define the mother I became and the stories I share here. I have also been very open about my many years of breastfeeding, and other aspects of mothering babies including my ponderings of how do you know you “are done?”
That is why I cannot avoid sharing where I’ve been, the honest truth, what caused me to welcome the snow on March 1 and walk in the snow for two-and-a-half hours last Wednesday. I had a miscarriage.
This is not the March I had planned for. Not the spring I was looking forward to.
Part of my heart tells me it’s too personal to share here. The other part tells me it’s the right thing to do – to share my sadness and the reality of it, in hopes that my story helps other women in some small way.
As I planned to announce my pregnancy to you, I had some things I was looking forward to sharing. Including telling you about seeing the film Birth Story, meeting Ina May Gaskin, and doing a giveaway with a copy of the Spiritual Midwifery, signed by Ina May.
I’m still going to do this, in conjunction of my pre-planned participation in a virtual baby shower at Homegrown and Healthy. The series of guest posts has been going on since last week, and includes a huge giveaway with loads of natural baby supplies. My post, titled Nursery necessities evolve with lessons in motherhood, is scheduled to run Thursday as the last post.
It will still run, and I’m sure there will be a flock of new readers headed this way as a result. Which is an additional reason I want to explain where I’ve been, my lack of posts, my absence, my inability to concentrate on anything for longer than a second without staring into a blank space.
As hard as it is to share where I’ve been. It doesn’t seem right to skip forward with the next few posts, right over this huge thing that has been happing, without some explanation.
And I want to say to all the moms who have walked this hard road before, moms who are trying to have babies, moms who have suffered from miscarriages and the loss associated with infertility, I now understand and feel your pain. I understand.
The day before we planned to share our news with family and the kids (who still don’t know and I am conflicted about telling), I went for my 12-week check up. And I got the heartbreaking news that our baby had stopped developing. There was no heartbeat. I was having my first miscarriage.
Even though I always kept this awful possibility in my mind – fully aware that I am getting older (with less “good” eggs), and not as naive as I used to be about the ease of popping out a new baby – the news has rocked me to my core. In a way that no one can understand who has not been through it. And that’s just the way it goes.
I have been on the other side trying to console friends after a miscarriage. But now I have those same friends consoling me, who have been through this before. Words cannot describe how VERY grateful I am for these women and the support they are giving me.
On Friday March 1, I had a D&C. This decision was thankfully an easy one, based on my record of postpartum hemorrhages with all my births. Also, I had a Missed Miscarriage, where my body had a chance to miscarry naturally but didn’t do it, while my sack and placenta kept growing. Therefore I knew it was the right decision, but still a tough one to make.
SO this is where I’ve been. In my absence, not knowing what to say until I was able to announce my news to you, and then not knowing what to say when that news was no longer the case.
I have been on a rollercoaster since January 1, the day I knew I was pregnant before the test would even show up positive, adjusting to the news (that surprised us) and then again, adjusting to the news. I have barely begun going through all the emotions to figure it all out. All I know is it’s really, really, really hard.
And it’s going to take time.
Our hearts are with you. Think of you often. Enjoy the three girls you have but also give yourself time to grieve for the one you lost. Thank you for being a wonderful wife and mother to our son and granddaughters. Love you. Sara and Bob Simmons
Rebecca, I’m so sorry. I will be thinking of you and your husband. x
I’m so sorry :'( Such an awful and unfair thing to go through. Hugs to you and your family.
I’m so sorry to hear this and am truly saddened by this news. I wish you did not “understand” this heart-breaking experience.
Thinking and praying for you today, so sorry Rebecca. I too hate that this is something some of us have to “understand”.
Rebecca, I’m so sorry. I’ve been there, too. I had always thought that I’d rather not have been pregnant than have a miscarriage, but was surprised to find that wasn’t true. I’m grateful for the 11 weeks I had with my third baby, as short as they were. (((Hugs))) and prayers for you.
Every moment of a life is so precious. I am grieving with you and praying for you.
I’m so sorry. I lost five babies between my 8 year old and my 6 month old. It’s heartbreaking. Take care of yourself, my friend. As far as telling your girls, we did tell Alice. It was obvious that we were upset and she is a very intuitive child. We decided that it would be better to tell her why we were upset than have her imagination go wild. We put it in simple terms – something along the lines of, “we were very excited because we thought there was going to be a new baby. Sometimes when a baby is so teeny tiny you barely see it, something goes wrong and the baby can’t grow enough to survive. This doesn’t happen to kids who are big like you. We are very sad, though, because we loved this baby and we won’t get to meet them.” Then we tried to answer her questions.
And, I applaud you posting on this. Miscarriage is one of the most painful things I have ever experienced and there is a strange code of silence around it.
Well, it has taken me a while to reply. We have been grieving the loss of a precious grandchild, but we know it is nothing like what you are going through. We hear the sadness in your voice, and when our children hurt, we hurt so much too. There are no boo boo kisses to make you feel better. We are praying for the process you are going through and love you so much. You are certainly a great momma and those incredible three girls you have are blessed.
to have such wonderful parents. Our hearts are with you, and we pray for you
all the time. We love you.
Thank you, all of you, for the kind and loving support. I thought about this post for a week before I decided to publish it. The responses and thoughtful emails I have received reassures me that I made the right choice. SO many women have been touched by this topic. And it really does help to talk about it.
Katy, thank you so much for that advice on talking to children about this. I think I’m going to use it!
I am so sorry you both went through this. I do agree that you are able to see it in a new light once you’ve been through it yourself. I know your hubby is hurting too. I do agree with Katy that it is wise to tell your kids so they can make sense of why you’ve been feeling this way. We told ours and it went over very easy for them I have to say. Of course they don’t understand the severity of it but they can understand why you BOTH have been so sad and not yourselves.
Sending so much love your way, Rebecca. My heart just breaks for you.
Long-time reader. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It is a terrible thing to adjust your entire view of the future for wonderful news, only to discover that you will be suffering a miscarriage instead.
Rebecca,
I can understand, and like you until I had been through this I help friends as well to feel their way through the experience. It is hard. I will pray for you and for your baby. We told our kids about the loss of our first miscarriage, which I could not wrap my head around because I had 2 healthy pregnancys prior, and then we waited it out and never told them about our second miscarriage of twins. I am thankful we did not tell them, just because it was even harder to go through again. Its definitely a experience that you just can’t imagine, but you are no doubt very strong and aside from giving, loving, amazing mother, you are mourning and I pray that you heal, it is hard. It is. I will keep you & your husband in our prayers! Thank you for sharing.
Praying for you, Rebecca. You were brave to share about such a difficult time. You’re a terrific mom and I pray for healing for your entire family.