This is a very late Christmas catch up post, on New Year’s Day. We rung in 2014 on Monday with an evening out, because finding a babysitter on New Year’s Eve is impossible. So I spent New Year’s Eve writing, hoping to catch up here and get even with the calendar. Then time got a way, the neighbors were yelling Happy New Year, I went to sleep, and the kids woke me up. It happens…. I want to blog, then things come up and then I wonder, do I really want to share that? Then time passes, I decide to sleep on it and a new day comes.
It’s a delicate balance of what to share and what secrets to keep for myself. So my presence here has been hit or miss the last few months. But I hope to share more in the new year, as I feel some serious sewing coming on and I am digging myself out of a food rut. The fun stuff is easy to write about. And I do love to write.
I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas full of meaning and love. This was my first Christmas when the merry and the joy part didn’t quite jive with jolly. But it was filled with meaning and love.
As some of you remember, it was Christmas last year when my middle girl was asking Santa for a baby brother – which tipped my maybe just one more gauge into trying for just one more.
After a year-long journey that ended with no baby to celebrate or plan for, this Christmas had a looming sadness over it for me. In November there was a second miscarriage that I decided not to share about here (nor did we tell the girls this time). So this season I felt the loss of two little souls, had an emptiness within me, and I just wanted to be still. I did the bare minimums to make my girls happy. Shopping was sparse and holiday outings were pared down. I worried the girls would notice Christmas morning was minimalistic, and be disappointed. But that wasn’t the case. And once again I learned less is better.
My youngest girl talked and talked and talked – even having conversations with our elf up until the day before Christmas – about getting a “real live” turtle. In the end, a new wooden play toaster and bakery set made her very happy.
The others were thrilled with a CD player, 80’s cd’s and a set of curlers for her hair. The Flying Turtle scooters were a bigger hit than I predicted and have kept them happily zooming around the basement. The dog is still happily snoozing on her new bed which holds a poignant reminder printed on it, “Always kiss your dog goodnight.” Sometimes we don’t show enough love for this loony dog who still tests our patience with all her barking and chewing (she’s almost age 4). I think the saying works for us all, across the board.
The santa bag that is usually overflowing with gifts was WAY less than full this year. But it was all I felt like doing and my thought was….it’ll have do. I still worried they would feel something wasn’t quite festive enough on Christmas morning.
It turned out, I was so wrong. Because it was so merry.
My girls made it so very merry. These little elves of mine had been busy making things for each other, and sneaking a quick buy here and there with their own money – all for each other! For days they held each other in suspense, begging to open this or that from under the tree. But they waited.
On Christmas Eve I sat in front of the tree feeling the sadness and looking where there seemed to be a missing stocking. And then, I started inspecting the homemade wrappings and decorations that had been proudly placed on and under the tree. Our home is full of love and I see it in all my girls do…even when it’s making up after a fight. They remind me daily to be more patient and kind when my fuse is low. They stop to give me a hug when they see I need one, understanding a little love makes everything better. I can always learn something from them. And I learned a lot by looking under the tree Christmas Eve.
And on Christmas morning in their mama made matching night gowns (the one thing I made sure to get done this season), they darted out of my bedroom to the tree and immediately started sharing the gifts they had prepared for each other. They were most excited to give than to receive. And watching it made my Christmas morning more than merry.
This year has made me appreciate my girls to the fullest, be more proud of them, feel incredibly blessed to have three healthy children, and be thankful for my three perfect pregnancies I loved and cherished. The second miscarriage this year taught us these things more than ever, after a rare chromosome abnormality was suspected at 11 weeks, followed by a loss of a heartbeat at 12 weeks and a miscarriage at 14 weeks that I attempted to have naturally without a D&C.
The year 2013 held ALOT to cope with. Yet it’s difficult to move on from it. I’ve learned I’m perfectly happy to be a stay-at-home-mom (forever I thought I sold myself short) and my girls deserve every part of me that I give to them. I don’t mean to gush and make this into an I love my kids post, because everyone loves their kids. But after what we went though this year, there won’t be a single day in 2014 where I take them for granted.
We wish you a Happy New Year full of good things to come.
I’m so sorry. My heart aches for your two babies and you and your husband. I know you are such a good mommy to your girls. You will be in my thoughts. Hugs your way~
Thank you Amy. We are getting along okay. Just took awhile to be able to talk about it this time. Getting lots of good hugs from the girls. 🙂