Posts by Rebecca Simmons

posted on April 25, 2013 by Rebecca Simmons

Why we love Hand-Me-Down sister dresses

It’s a chore this time of year to pack up the winter and bring out the spring. The warm weather clothes bins were overflowing in the basement while the girls kept fishing for something spring to wear (even swim suits). Meanwhile the winter coats are still piled up next to the backpacks that never got unpacked from our Norway trip. I always dread this HUGE chore of packing and unpacking seasonal clothes.

Until I started pulling out all the sweet dresses for my youngest girl. They are all so familiar, from her sisters wearing them, and full of memories. This is a treat having three girls. We get to relive moments through dresses. And no one seems to mind wearing a hand-me-down.

This morning I went upstairs to discover my oldest girl had helped my little girl get dressed in one of her favorite old dresses. One that she wore to the beach when our middle girls was in a baby in a sling on my chest. The dress one she wore to get her first hair cut. And did countless twirls in the living room, and everywhere that she went.

This morning was a repeat of those events. The sweetest of times by growing girls, while I savor every little girl moment I can squeeze out of her these days.

And the look back, from 2007…man we looked young! My oldest was two-and-a-half then. The middle girl was six months old.

I don’t recall my middle girl choosing this dress much. She doesn’t have this serious side to her personality. Her favorite dress at this age was green with big cows on it, and a t-shirt with silly sunglasses. So different….the personalities of my girls. Yet so fun to watch.

posted on April 23, 2013 by Rebecca Simmons

Little Girl Day

Last week my two youngest girls stayed home from school on Thursday just because I needed a little extra snuggles and love with my little girls. A little extra time to watch them, hang out with them, giggle and have a day to move at their pace, where the process of deciding on the proper gardening hat took precedence over their five minutes of gardening.

I realized on that day that I am SO ready for summer. I love the days filled with sleeping in late, no agendas, lots of bare feet in the grass, impromptu play dates, bike rides, walks to the park, fun filled pool days, and the basic freedom that we have no where to go at any particular time. Our little girl day was a mini slice of summer.

We stood outside the back door saying good bye to our neighbor and toddler friend and I thought, now what should we do? So far I had not been ready to embrace spring. But with my little energy balls by my side, staring at prepping our Backdoor Garden I was inspired to take a stab at it.

“How about some gardening?” I asked. The response was the perfect little squeals of “Okaaaaaayy!”

Many tools were gathered, little hands tried to work big tools, someone had to go potty, someone tried to go in the grass but peed on their shorts, then we went inside to find new shorts and she also found a beach hat that was for 12-24 months heads which she insisted on wearing. Girl number two liked that idea ant went into fetch a beach hat from the summer bin waiting to be sorted through in the basement.

Someone was working hard (for a short time) and the other just wanted to have her picture taken. About five minutes later they got tired and decided to rest under a tree. Then they pretending to sleep, wrestling around together giggling.

“Mom, it was a good idea for Lydia to stay home with me today,” said my middle girl. At first she wanted her own day. I wanted them both. That was nice to hear.

Next they wanted to have a picnic under the Magnolia tree in the front yard.

And requested a walk to the park, which resulted in wading in the muddy Tennessee water. I wouldn’t put my feet in it. But then again maybe I should. They made it look like fun. Carefree. We should all be a little more carefree sometimes.

posted on April 20, 2013 by Rebecca Simmons

Weekending

We did absolutely nothing for Earth Day today. There was Earthfest, an outdoor fest for biking and paddle boarding, and a Natural Parenting Expo. But after our soccer game we tucked ourselves into our little abode, and spent the day deciding what to do minute by minute. Sometimes we need give ourselves permission to ignore all things we think we should do, and just be, with no pressure to do anything else. So that’s exactly what we did.

There was a trip to get a new picnic table and some plants. Then there was a bike ride, practicing with no training wheels, pulling weeds, planting tomatoes, making houses under the deck stairs, pretending the sandbox was a beach, wearing swimsuits when it was 65 degrees outside, running in bare feet and enjoying outdoor dining while taking in all the sister moments of my girls growing too fast together.

I hope you are having a lovely weekend as well.

posted on April 19, 2013 by Rebecca Simmons

Back from Norway

Hello again. Durning my very LONG absence here, I’ve had a nice break from the cyber world and my real life where we fill our days with too much busyness. Thank you for sticking with me this last month, while I’ve been going at very slow pace.

Norway was wonderful for us. Traveling abroad widens our perspective more than stateside travel could ever offer us. We recognize as Americans all the things we think are so important – the to-do lists, always being in a hurry, extra curricular activities, household projects, chuck-full family calendars – are the creations of our own doing and usually not necessary at all.

Norway is a simple place. Simple by design, it was a poor nation that only found wealth in the 70s and 80s with the taping of offshore oil. The “castle,” home to Norway’s monarch, is plain even though it could be ornate. There is an underlining focus of embracing life in a no frills way. Just steps outside the castle front doors I saw city folks with cross country skis strapped to their backpacks who just came off the trails and were walking down the promenade to public transportation.

Scandinavia’s family-freindly culture has intrigued me for years. The Norwegian government gives all new mothers a year paid maternity leave, and new fathers a six months paid paternity leave. Lawsuits are unheard of, murders don’t happen, everyone has access to free healthcare and there is no need for armed guards and metal detecters in schools or anywhere. Yes it is a utopia. As long as you can get over the expensive price tag of being there. With an exchange rate of 1 US Dollar being worth 5.5 Norwegian Kroner, it’s an expensive place to live and travel.

Since first traveling to Europe I always wanted to go there. But it’s so far north, that Norway is not a country you just stop into for a night into using a two week Eurorail pass. So we never went. With our neighbors/good friends living in Oslo this year with their three children, we could not pass up the awesome opportunity to go visit them.

We’ve waited eight years to travel abroad with our girls. I always thought it would be too hard, one child was too young, the expense would not outweigh the challenge of traveling with young children, eating out would be difficult, and I honestly wasn’t thrilled about giving up my idea of travel for them. Stoping in a cafe for an afternoon pint would be nearly impossible and we would spend our time visiting children’s museums and playgrounds. I wondered how dragging the kids along for long days of sightseeing would go over, relying on crowded public transportation while keeping our country mice out of harms way on busy crosswalks. Yet we all had passports in hand, knowing we would make the leap one of these days.

Not wanting to pass up the opportunity to visit friends and experience it through local eyes, I threw all my worries out the window and hoped for the best. I was willing to try. It would be worth it and it would be FUN. We emailed our neighbors to ask what they were doing the week of our girls’ Spring Break and asked if we could show up on their doorstep. They replied YES come! Their boys were on Spring Break the same week and they would have plenty of time to galavant around town with us. SOLD. Flights for our last minute trip were booked and the rest fell into place better than I could have expected. Our friends were SO happy to see some stateside friends for the first time in nine months, and welcomed us with the biggest open arms at The Hotel Zinser.

With a little help and encougement from our friends, it was a successful journey! Yes it was a lot of city walking for little legs, with lots of stops to climb up a snow banks along the way, a lot packing lunches and snacks in backpacks for a days worth of activities with a combined six kids. But we had a great adventure and it was a lesson for us all to slow down, be more in the moment, walk at a child’s pace, experience natural curiosity through a child’s eye and embrace a new thrill. Slowing down is something the Europeans do well. Americans. Not so much.

We let the Zinser boys (ages 7 and almost 11) be our tour guides in Oslo. They took us to the Norwegian Museum of Science and Technology, the Norsk Folkemuseum, to see real Viking ships, the Olympic Holmenkollen Ski Jump, parks for pick up games of soccer (or football over there) and a trip to the forest for sledding. From all the hugeness of a foreign place, I think the following are the simple snapshots our kids will most remember from their locals-only journey.

After spending our days navigating the city with six kids, it was extra wonderful to go back to the Zinser’s home (away from home) for downtime with tired kids and grown up time with adults. We were pampered and treated to wonderful dinners cooked by chef Kurt at the Hotel Zinser and even homemade sushi with locally caught salmon. Oh how we have missed our fun times with these neighbors living next door to us!

After five days in Oslo, our Simmons clan took off on our own Norwegian adventure. It was Norway’s Easter holiday week. Therefore we experienced a dose of local life when most all the grocery stores, shops and restaurants were closed from Thursday to Monday. On these days (as well as every normal Sunday) everyone is encouraged to be outside, hiking, skiing and spending leisure time with family.

On Easter we woke up in Flåm, after taking a family car train from Oslo to Myrdal and The Flåm Railway into Flåm. The town is merely a tourist stop for the Norway in a Nutshell fiord tour. But since this is still the off season time for travel, it was blissfully empty. We had an apartment on the water, where we woke up Easter morning. We traveled as minimalistic as possible, with two medium suitcases for five people packing winter gear and snow suits. So from the beginning I told the girls the Easter Bunny did not come to Norway. He did end up leaving one chocolate egg for each girl. They were happy, and I don’t think I’ll ever go overboard on Easter presents again.

The family train in Norway was an awesome way to travel. It had a padded playroom with a TV showing Norwegian cartoons, Norwegian children books and an activity table where the girls did things they had packed in their own backpacks. More than that, they enjoyed the children they met and played with in there from Norway and Scotland.

Here’s a few snapshots from our travels by train, and Easter in Flåm.

From there we went by boat through the fiords to Gudvangen, a bus to Voss and then a train to Bergen where it snowed while we walked to our hotel at 8:30 PM. During peak travel season the fiord tour boats are swanky and come several times a day. Since everything was mostly still frozen over there, our only option was the public transportation car ferry that made a few stops in small towns to drop off the locals. It was still an amazingly beautiful ride.

Bergen has an old, classic style train station that lacks new digital departure screens – which I loved. It also felt nostalgic about our pre-kid travel days when I found with the only pay toilet I saw in Norway. It’s the simple things.

The next day was Monday and all the local families were still off for holiday. We took the Funiclar train up the mountain to the top of Bergen where there is a park, a forest area, restaurant and tourist shop. When we bought the tickets to go up, the ticket lady told us there was activities for children happening at the park at 11:00, and our Zinser friends gave us a heads up to ask for the treasure hunt map through the forest. She looked skeptical that we could manage it because it’s all in Norwegian. But we did our best!

When we got to the top it was beautiful, even with the bright sun in our eyes. And we were treated by the snowfall the night before with beautiful snow covered evergreens, at least for a few hours until it melted.

The children’s activities were led by three friendly chickens who politely spoke wonderful English to us and translated enough of the treasure hunt that we were well on our way.

Staring at the frozen lake – something we don’t see in Tennessee, especially not on April 1. We noticed the sign warning the dangers of walking on the frozen lake after the fact. Oops.

Lastly, here’s a few more shots of us enjoying our Bergen travels.

We did figure out how to enjoy a quick pint at an outdoor cafe. We stopped in a bakery for a boller (like these) and then with them in hand, we waited till beer was ordered to hand them over to the kids. After that it was bite for sip. And then time was up! Unless ice-cream followed. Then we had time for two beers.

I just loved the sight of this little spot. It was like a little slice of the South of France, with wool hats in the background and the biggest Vogue magazine you’ve ever seen.

I popped into a textile store in this corridor and was enjoying a lovely chat with a local seamstress. Brian was outside letting the kids run like bonkers. I love the look on the lady’s face who is joyed by the sight of my girls acting like the biggest ice cream sugar filled goof heads.

After that we were back to Oslo at the Hotel Zinser for one more red carpet night and family style dinner at their apartment, where all 10 of us managed just fine sharing one bathroom.

After 12 days in Norway I felt like we earned our first European travel badge. Now we all look forward to planning our next big adventure. For nearly two years, my oldest daughter has been requesting to go to Venice, Italy. While in Norway she decided when she gets older she would like to travel in Italy and study Montessori schools (where Maria Montessori is from). Since we have been home she has taken it upon herself to put our French Muzzy DVD on the Italian setting and started learning some basic Italian vocabulary. The second part of her Italian travel desires, I must confess, comes from wanting to be in a place where spaghetti and pizza is served everywhere. I have to admit, I wouldn’t mind a trip to Italy myself.

posted on March 20, 2013 by Rebecca Simmons

Talking about miscarriage

Thank you so much for all the kind comments, emails and supportive messages you sent after I shared the news of my recent miscarriage. I was very hesitant to post it. Down right scared to do it actually. There is a strange code of silence associated with miscarriage. Yet I have found once women know someone has had one they open up, in a way that is healing for them as well, no mater how long ago it was. The wonderful response of women sharing their own stories with me was just the virtual hugs I needed.

I feared sharing that post was too raw, and would leave me feeling too vulnerable and awkward around the real people I see and talk to. But the opposite happened. One friend (struggling with infertility) read the post and we met for coffee. We had a much-needed catch up session with each other. Another friend saw us having coffee (it’s a small town) whose wife reads this blog and he knew we were in a quiet place together. And he just smiled gently at us.

In my mind I had felt like people were getting a hunch I was pregnant. I was looking pregnant. (It doesn’t take much the forth time around.) I felt the belly stares. Whether it was all in my head or not, I needed to put that post out there for my own peace of mind. Even if no one noticed, I needed to put it out there and say I am sad and just let me be.

Today is the first day of spring, marking nearly three weeks since this I turned down this road. There are still so many hard days. It’s not just going to take time to get over the hurt. It will always be there with me. Like so many other things we experience that define us in life.

After a long talk with a birth center friend last week, I woke up Friday morning knowing I needed to tell the girls about the pregnancy and the loss. I needed them to feel like they are on this journey with me – because they are SUCH a huge part of me. We are a bunch of girls here, mind you.

They didn’t know I was pregnant. I was waiting until March 1, the day I was officially 12 weeks, to tell people. I never did that with my other three pregnancies. But this time I felt a strange need to play it “safe,” guarding the news. Deep within my mother’s intuition, I knew something was different this time.

I needed to tell the girls more for me, in my healing journey, than for them. I wanted them to know mom had been sad because there was a baby in my belly, and I was really excited about telling them they would have another sibling. But I didn’t get my chance to do that.

In December my middle girl had been asking Santa Claus for a baby brother for Christmas. I wanted to remind her that’s not where babies come from, and that I really did want to give her a baby brother. I wanted to tell my oldest girl I was worried about telling her there would be another sibling, because my mommy guilt tells me I don’t get enough time with her as it is. I wanted my youngest girl to know I really wanted to see her wear the same “I’m a big sister shirt” that her older sisters got to wear.

I told them each separately. When the moment was right and we had some one-on-one time. They all had responses that were appropriate to their ages, showing their resilience as kids, in their own quirky sincere ways.

“Mom I really wish you still had that baby in your belly,” said my middle girl after I told her. And in her next breath she asked, “Why do you have two pockets on your robe?”

I had a little insight as to how this would go the day before as I tried to gather some clues about where the girls were mentally. I was curious if they found it odd that Dad was packing lunches, mommy was sleeping later than usual, there were frozen pizzas for dinner and too many afternoons watching TV.

I had been absent to them and I needed to know if it was affecting them.

During this time, my three-year-old fired this set of questions at me, based on her own intuition: “Mom what did you have to get fixed in your belly? Why did you have to go to the doctor? Did they have to cut you? How did they get it out? What was in your belly? Was it a baby doll?”

I had never told her I was pregnant. She just knew something was up! I was floored, unable to respond. Frozen by emotion.

And then she gave a big goofy laugh and asked, “Was it bubble gum? Was bubble gum stuck in your belly?” And I knew, this was where she was at mentally. I didn’t have to expect her to understand much. And she was JUST FINE eating too much pizza, watching too much TV and having Dad pack strange cheese in her lunch.

The next day I hugged my three-year-old and told her I really wanted her to be a big sister.

“Did you want to be a big sister?” I asked her. Her answer in a big you-silly mommy voice was: “NO I don’t want to be a big sister. I want to be a baby again!” And that was all I needed to tell her. I was relieved by that sweet little three-year-old conversation.

The conversation was more mature with my oldest girl. My hunch that she knew I was pregnant in the first place was validated. And she was relieved to know that her hunch was true. She was also very open and asked freely if the baby “died.” I was trying to use words that strayed away from that definition of what happened. But I realized it’s us that are hesitant to have these tough discussions. Not them.

I’m keeping most of that conversation and what followed between her and I. But I will share: When I was most concerned about her noticing things had been of sync at home, I snuggled up with her and sincerely asked if there was anything she wanted to talk about. I braced myself for what might follow.

“Yes,” she said relieved that I asked the question. “Are you going to do the Easter Bunny in Norway?”

We are going to be in Norway on Easter and that was the biggest thing that had been on her mind. So yes, she too was just fine eating pizza for dinner in front of the TV for the third time last week.

That was the reality check that I needed. My kids are just fine. And talking to them about it made me feel MUCH better.

These little seeds and baits of conversations that I needed to start, and throw out to there to see what would happen, put things into a healthy perspective for me.

I’m still taking long walks, taking time to feel and think about what all it means to me. Protecting my thoughts every step of the way. Yet when I bump into a friend who knows, who offers time to talk and an understanding hug, I’m glad I shared here. I feel like women want to talk about this. I feel like they need to talk about this – yet it’s such a silent issue.

There are so many hard hurdles and difficult conversations to have. Monday I went back to my yoga class for the first time since the miscarriage. I knew it would be hard. I knew it would be emotional. Yoga can have that affect. I knew that. But I have never felt it like I did on Monday. I cried the whole entire class, on my mat, with a mound of tissues next to me. I needed to do that. It felt good after I did it. And I was thankful for the friendship I have with the teacher, who brewed me a cup of tea after class and told me to sit on the sofa, and stay for a while. It was raining outside. It was quiet. It was perfect. I needed that.

In a few days we’ll leave for Norway. Which I feel like needs a bit of explaining. The trip was planned when I was in my OMG we are going to have FOUR kids shock and surprise state of mind.

Before we had kids, or were even married, my husband and I traveled a lot. We spent two summers in Europe together through school programs (he has a masters in International Affairs) living with host families in France and Belgium. We hopped trains to Budapest, stayed in mountain hostels in Switzerland only accessible by gondolas, created our own pup crawls in Ireland and picnicked in Prague.

We said we would never be those people who didn’t travel with our kids. And of course, we became those people who never traveled with our kids.

In 2010 we got them all passports and vowed to change that. But we never did. Realizing we couldn’t put it off any longer, we decided to seize the opportunity to visit our friends living in Oslo, Norway, bought five plane tickets, new snow boots and will soon be on our way.

In a strange bittersweet way, the timing seems right. Because I feel like I am in a foreign place right now, figuring out what comes next and how to I jump back into the normal world. And for a few more weeks I get to physically be in a foreign place, avoid the normal world, and be with my family for 12 straight days while visiting some wonderful friends with some really great kids.

Our contractors (who we would trust with our own kids) will be residing in our house, finishing up jobs that we left off during last year’s renovations. Like refinishing hardwood floors, putting flooring down in attic storage spaces, and giving our bedroom a makeover after sharing it with babies and toddlers for the last eight years.

These fresh starts will be a good thing. Hard things. But the right things.

posted on March 15, 2013 by Rebecca Simmons

A Simple Moment

A Simple Moment is a post that appears here every Friday.
A photo I want to remember of a simple moment, with a few simple words.

If you are inspired to do the same, leave a link in the comment section for all to see and read.

Downtime moments by the fire with a good vintage book, passed down to this girl from her Grandma and aunt. Now, my girl LOVES this book. And I have to add, she always uses something – this time a paint sample chip – for a bookmark. Because she’s knows better than to (gasp) dog ear a book!

A Simple Moment was inspired by SouleMama. Visit her site to see many more moments.

posted on March 14, 2013 by Rebecca Simmons

Good entertainment can be hard to come by for kids

Sometimes I get frustrated with the media, TV and the lack of good entertainment options available to children these days. We see nearly all the producations at our local children’s theatre, all based on good classic literature. But I have never been a mom to jump at the chance to take my kids to see the Wiggles, or Dora or even the circus (which I think is just wrong and cruel to animals). Once I took them to a Justin Roberts concert that took place our local botanical gardens. Kids entertainment at the library, I’m all over. Lets go!

I have wonderful memories of going downtown to the Fox Theater in Atlanta to see Annie as child, the Nutcracker and even Mary Poppings.

Naturally, I was happy when my girls asked about the poster hanging downtown at our historic Tennessee Theatre, advertising Mary Poppings the hit broadway musical. Then I said yikes at the ticket prices. And then I said we have to do it anyway. And we did. And it was great.

Now I’m hoping I can hold off my 8-year-old’s request to see One Direction in concert this summer. Because it’s NOT HAPPENING. Not for a few years at least. I was in sixth grade when I saw my first concert. It was Whitney Houston and the hit song was I want to Dance with Someone.

But a classic like Mary Poppings, YES we can do that.

The girls were very excited to go. They requested to wear their pearls that were gifts to them as babies (and rarely worn) and special charm bracelets. My friend next door joked after we built the girls’ bathroom upstairs that we would be up there getting our girls ready for prom one day. Actually, they were all up there getting their hair done for Mary Poppings.

YES it was a sweet time, an afternoon with just my big girls. They make my heart smile.

posted on March 14, 2013 by Rebecca Simmons

My guest post at Homegrown and Healthy and their Oh Baby Ultimate Prize Package giveaway

I have a guest post running today over at Homegrown and Healthy. It’s part of a virtual baby shower, which is a series of guest posts that includes a huge giveaway of natural baby supplies. Aubrey at Homegrown and Healthy was inspired to do this for a friend having her third baby, who is a minimalist and didn’t really need more baby stuff.

When she contacted me to be a part of it I knew just what I would write about, because I can totally relate. I’ve been there.

My post is titled Nursery necessities evolve with lessons in motherhood, and is the last post of the series.

Even with everything that has been happening on my end, I’m really glad I was asked to be a part of it and am proud that my post appears there today.

There have been a lot really great posts, with advice, ideas and stories, celebrating motherhood and babies included in the series. And the Oh Baby Ultimate Prize Package is really awesome. So please check it out soon, because the giveaway ends tomorrow.

posted on March 13, 2013 by Rebecca Simmons

Giveaway: Signed copy of Spiritual Midwifery, by Ina May Gaskin

When I was first pregnant I learning about natural birth, reading Ina May Gaskin’s book Spiritual Midwifery was so incredibly eye opening. I didn’t know anyone who had a natural birth, and I was one of the first of my friends to have a baby. I didn’t even know where to look to have a natural birth. I was in a major city where there were no birth centers, home birth was illegal and the main hospitals all had C-section rates greater than 30 percent (and even higher now). When I found the book Spiritual Midwifery at the book store, it gave me hope that I could have the birth I wanted – and that it was normal. I just had to figure out how and where.

One midwife led to another until four OB offices later, when I found one with a midwife that Ina May would have approved of. My first baby was an empowering, all natural, water birth in a small regional hospital. I still remember feeling like superwoman after that – like I could do anything! In a huge way, those feelings associated with my birth story defined the kind of mother and natural parenting advocate I became.

Before I had my second baby we had moved to Knoxville, Tennessee, where the presence of Ina May Gaskin is strong. Living in a region not far from The Farm in Tennessee, we reap the benefits of her her ongoing advocacy and midwifery practice – with birth centers and home births available to all.

I continue to be amazed by the large group of local birth advocates and natural parenting support groups in the small city I live in.

Last month I had a chance to meet her and listen to her speak, through a local showing of the The Birth Story: Ina May Gaskin & The Farm Midwives. The feature-lenth documentary tells the story of counterculture heroine Ina May Gaskin and her spirited friends, who began delivering each other’s babies in 1970, on a caravan of hippie school buses, headed to a patch of rural Tennessee land. There are screenings happening across the nation. You can find out if there is any in your area, or learn how to request one, The Birth Story Movie website.

To help promote Ina May’s message and The Birth Story movie, I asked her if she would sign a copy of her book for me to giveaway here, on my site. Of course she said yes.

To enter to win the signed copy of Spiritual Midwifery, by Ina May Gaskin, please leave a comment below.

If you are new here, and you like Simply Natural Mom, please subscribe to the site by RSS feed, email, Facebook, or Twitter. Or help spread the word about this giveaway by sharing it on Facebook, Twitter or your blog.

One winner will be chosen using the Random Number Generator, based on the number given to each comment in the order they are received. I’ll close comments on Sunday, March 17 at midnight EST. Winner EST. Winner will be chosen using Random Number Generator. The winner will be announced here Monday morning. So please check back here to see if you won!

Domestic Diva number 4 was the winner. Please email me your address so I can send the book. rebecca@simplynaturalmom.com.

posted on March 13, 2013 by Rebecca Simmons

Where I’ve been: Miscarriage

It is so true, that our experiences make us who we are. My passion for empowering birth experiences and advocacy, which I have written about in more than one post, helped define the mother I became and the stories I share here. I have also been very open about my many years of breastfeeding, and other aspects of mothering babies including my ponderings of how do you know you “are done?”

That is why I cannot avoid sharing where I’ve been, the honest truth, what caused me to welcome the snow on March 1 and walk in the snow for two-and-a-half hours last Wednesday. I had a miscarriage.

This is not the March I had planned for. Not the spring I was looking forward to.

Part of my heart tells me it’s too personal to share here. The other part tells me it’s the right thing to do – to share my sadness and the reality of it, in hopes that my story helps other women in some small way.

As I planned to announce my pregnancy to you, I had some things I was looking forward to sharing. Including telling you about seeing the film Birth Story, meeting Ina May Gaskin, and doing a giveaway with a copy of the Spiritual Midwifery, signed by Ina May.

I’m still going to do this, in conjunction of my pre-planned participation in a virtual baby shower at Homegrown and Healthy. The series of guest posts has been going on since last week, and includes a huge giveaway with loads of natural baby supplies. My post, titled Nursery necessities evolve with lessons in motherhood, is scheduled to run Thursday as the last post.

It will still run, and I’m sure there will be a flock of new readers headed this way as a result. Which is an additional reason I want to explain where I’ve been, my lack of posts, my absence, my inability to concentrate on anything for longer than a second without staring into a blank space.

As hard as it is to share where I’ve been. It doesn’t seem right to skip forward with the next few posts, right over this huge thing that has been happing, without some explanation.

And I want to say to all the moms who have walked this hard road before, moms who are trying to have babies, moms who have suffered from miscarriages and the loss associated with infertility, I now understand and feel your pain. I understand.

The day before we planned to share our news with family and the kids (who still don’t know and I am conflicted about telling), I went for my 12-week check up. And I got the heartbreaking news that our baby had stopped developing. There was no heartbeat. I was having my first miscarriage.

Even though I always kept this awful possibility in my mind – fully aware that I am getting older (with less “good” eggs), and not as naive as I used to be about the ease of popping out a new baby – the news has rocked me to my core. In a way that no one can understand who has not been through it. And that’s just the way it goes.

I have been on the other side trying to console friends after a miscarriage. But now I have those same friends consoling me, who have been through this before. Words cannot describe how VERY grateful I am for these women and the support they are giving me.

On Friday March 1, I had a D&C. This decision was thankfully an easy one, based on my record of postpartum hemorrhages with all my births. Also, I had a Missed Miscarriage, where my body had a chance to miscarry naturally but didn’t do it, while my sack and placenta kept growing. Therefore I knew it was the right decision, but still a tough one to make.

SO this is where I’ve been. In my absence, not knowing what to say until I was able to announce my news to you, and then not knowing what to say when that news was no longer the case.

I have been on a rollercoaster since January 1, the day I knew I was pregnant before the test would even show up positive, adjusting to the news (that surprised us) and then again, adjusting to the news. I have barely begun going through all the emotions to figure it all out. All I know is it’s really, really, really hard.

And it’s going to take time.